Attachment issues and Attachment disorder.
As you are looking into adoption you might think that love will solve
all problems and will solidify your relationship with the child you
just brought home. Sometimes it happens like that, but sometimes it
does not.
It is human nature
to want to be loved, to feel safe and feel close to others. Children
that have suffered early experiences of neglect, abuse,
hospitalization, institutionalization or separation from their
caregiver, become reluctant to trust or to love others. They grow up
believing they are unlovable and others must not be trusted, that life
is empty and that the only goal is to survive.
Attachment develops during the first year of life, but in case of
adopted children may occur later. Attachment is necessary for the
development of conscience. Attachment means the child feels secure,
security gives the child higher self - esteem and so as the child
grows he/she will be able to more effectively face and solve life's
challenges.
All institutionalized children from foreign countries and also
children that spent time in foster care have some attachment issues.
There even are cases when our own biological children have attachment
issues, but they can be overcome.
Attachment ranges from securely attached, through several degrees of
attachment issues and all the way to severe attachment disorder.
It is the human nature to want to be loved, to feel safe and feel
close to others. Children that have suffered early experiences of
neglect, abuse, hospitalization, separation from the care giver or
institutionalization, become reluctant to trust or love others. They
grow up believing they are unlovable and others must not be trusted,
that life is empty and the only goal for them is to survive.
As you are engaging in an adoption you might think that love will
solve all the problems and that it will encase your relationship with
the child you just brought home. Sometimes it happens like that, but
sometimes it does not.
Children and parents have attachment issues when it comes to adoption.
Why I am saying this is because you need to think like the child
thinks. How would you feel and trust someone if nobody ever loved you,
if nobody ever cared about you, if you had been abandoned, may be
several times. Would you trust anyone right away? Would you easily
attach to someone you do not know? When a child is put in a nice and
loving home, he/she feels it would not last; therefore he/she will not
get too comfortable too soon. The child will wait and see if he/she
will be loved first and then love back.
On the other hand, parents that brings home an adopted child need to
deal with their own attachment issues. Let me tell you that you are
not a bad person or a bad parent if you do not feel immediately
attached to this child (your child now). You need to give yourself
some time to love your child. Adopting an older child you might feel
that if you love that child enough, everything will be OK. But it is
not like that, because it might happen that after month of being
pushed away by your child, you will start feeling anger, frustration,
hurt. This is all normal and understandable. It is very important that
you talk about your feelings and have a good support system in place.
I would advice you to get well informed about attachment issues before
you start the adoption. Just remember one thing, this child you are
adopting never learned how to love and trust anybody and he/she is not
here to hurt or destroy your life, they just need your constant
patients, reassurance and of course love.
For parents that adopted school age children it is important to help
the kids to deal with the adoption issue first, by creating a family
environment characterized by honesty, openness, non defensive
communication, providing freedom to the child to explore their
feelings about their birth parents, help them find a supportive view
of their origins and especially of the circumstances of their
relinquishment. Children's emotional well being is tied to their self
esteem and self esteem in turn emerges out of children's experiences
and relationships with others.
Adoptive parents can do much to repair the damage their children
sustained before the placement in their family. Adoptive parents need
to be attuned and patient, sensitive to the child's cues, comfort
zones and particular preferences in pleasurable contact. Never use
physical discipline that will isolate or separate the child from you,
because this will reinforce the already disturbed attachment. You as
adoptive parents should always be prepared for two steps forward and
one step back.
If attachment issues are not taken care of, they will develop into
attachment disorder which will take very long time to be treated. But
with a lot of patience, commitment, hope and trust you will be
successful.
You as adoptive parents should be well educated regarding the
potential of your child having attachment issues or attachment
disorder. Both can be treated and your child will be growing to become
a loving and caring person.
For more
information on adoption please feel free to call or e-mail us at
info@adoptionavenues.org
